The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis.
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Sharpening Healthier Communication
It’s dinner time at the Klein’s house. Mr. Klein and his daughter Wendy spent the day at a USTA level 3 girls 16’s event. Wendy was seeded #4 in the tournament. Her 9:00 am match went terribly wrong. Wendy’s serve percentages were catastrophically low and as a result, she suffered an embarrassing first-round loss.
Later that night at the dinner table the conversation quickly escalated from small talk to another tennis-related screaming match. As they passed the potatoes, another family dinner was ruined. Mr. Klein wished he had an instruction manual for these heated exchanges.
Psychologists researching communication offer a concept called the Four-Sides Model. The theory states that Mr. Klein’s initial comment “Honey, your serve was really off today.” exposed four possible ways Wendy could accept the data:
- As an impersonal factual stat.
- Insights about Mr. Klein’s feelings.
- As a personal underlining insult towards Wendy.
- As an appeal for improvement.
The message Mr. Klein was intentionally trying to convey isn’t necessarily what was perceived by Wendy. Mr. Klein’s statement “Honey, your serve was really off today.” led to a whirlwind of problems between him and his daughter. This, in turn, spiraled into the silent treatment from his wife because once again their family harmony was disrupted.
For Mr. Klein, the factual data and appeal for improvement were the only reason for the statement. Wendy’s interpretation of his statement was polar opposite. Wendy felt awful because she believed that she had let her parents and coaches down. She also concluded that her father’s statement about her serve implied that she was not working hard enough and that she was a failure.
“Communication is less about what is being said and more about how the words are decoded by the listener.”
As coaches and parents communicate with their athlete, the athlete’s personality profile acts as a filter as they decode the information. Some athletes are wired to accept and enjoy the analysis of cold hard facts while others are wired to overlook the facts and instead zone in to the emotional climate of the conversations. Each athlete connects the dots and paints the picture they choose to hear. An individual’s personality profile determines how one communicates. (We will interpret personality profiles in greater detail in coming chapters.)
