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Effective Listening

Posted on February 21, 2020 by in Maximizing Tennis Potential, The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

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Effective Listening

 

 

“We are taught how to read & write efficiently but not to speak and listen effectively.”

 

The genesis of The Soft Science of Tennis for any parent or coach is to learn to be an effective listener. Effective listening is the ability to quietly give one’s undivided attention which creates a more profound bond. Excellent communication between the athlete, coach, and parent is more than the typical dominating disciplinarian versus submissive student. Being listened to and understood is one of an athlete’s greatest desires.

The method in which a parent or coach asks questions and listens is also important. If the athlete views the questions as an intimidating interrogation, they feel frightened and pressured. There is indeed an optimistic demeanor that encompasses effective listening.

Effective Listening Begins with:

  • Get down, physically, to the student’s level.
  • Take off your sunglasses and look them in the eyes.
  • Give them your time. Listen intently.
  • Assume you can learn from the student.
  • Accept their view (set aside your beliefs).
  • Allow them to lead, go with their flow.
  • If you don’t know the answer, say, “Let’s explore that…”
  • Understanding that talking “at” someone isn’t power. Listening is power.
  • Avoid speculating and jumping to conclusions.
  • Maintain their conversational pace and fight the urge to interrupt.
  • Allow them to finish their thoughts and sentences.
  • Focus on spotting key objectives and phrases to discuss later.
  • If you’re planning witty responses, you’re typically not actively listening.
  • Remember, some athletes aren’t seeking advice; they are seeking an empathetic ear.
  • After discussing the issue, ask them for their solutions before offering your solutions.
  • Ask them if they’d like to hear your thoughts.
  • Avoid one-upmanship statements to prove that your past experience trumps theirs.
  • Avoid saying, “I told you so!” Even when you told them so.
  • Facilitate your relationship by applying empathy.
  • Mirror their feelings within the context of their conversation.
  • Follow their train of thought with nodding, caring facial expressions and body language.
  • Re-state their points to clarify that you understand them correctly.
  • Affirm their frustrations. “That sounds difficult, how did you respond?”
  • To keep the focus on them, ask, “How did that make you feel? Versus “Here’s what I would have done!”
  • Conclude with a summarizing statement to ensure that their information was received correctly.
  • Organize future, agreed-upon solutions and job descriptions.

 

Those of us who fail to abide by the above guidelines send damaging subconscious “red flags” to the athlete in regards to the student-teacher relationship. Parents and coaches who are poor listeners send the following messages to their athletes:

  • Your opinions and views aren’t as important as mine.
  • Your feelings are ridiculous and stupid.
  • I’ll explain your position more accurately than you.
  • Listening to you is a waste of my precious time.
  • I’m superior, stop talking and I’ll prove it once again to you.
  • There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t heard a million times.

Being a thoughtful teacher and communicator begins by being an empathetic listener. Great listeners change the student’s perspective from a problem being a catastrophic event to an issue that is a solvable opportunity for growth.

Positive Communication

Posted on February 17, 2020 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

“Parents who feel the need to criticize their athletes after completion are nurturing their child’s disbelief and genuine doubt in their future ability.”

Frank Giampaolo

soft science

I Want To Be More Positive But What Do I Say?

Most parents and coaches want the very best for their children and students. However, finding the perfect words of comfort are not always easy, especially after competition. Regardless of the variations in personality profiles, parents and coaches alike need to reinforce the athlete’s efforts with sincere non-judgmental encouraging words. The following is a list of insightful statements athletes need to hear after competition:

  • I love watching you play!
  • I’m so proud of you.
  • I’m impressed by your skills.
  • I’m so grateful to be your parent.
  • You are so brave.
  • It’s so fascinating to watch you solve problems on-court.
  • You are so creative and skillful.
  • I so admire your ability to stay focused on the court.
  • It is so fun for me to watch you compete.
  • I can’t wait to hear what you think about the match.
  • I admire your courage to compete.
  • Your optimism is contagious- I love it when you smile.
  • This is my favorite part of the week.
  • I love being your parent and/or coach.

Research shows that performing in the future as the Alpha competitor stems from a positive belief system.  Your words become their inner dialogue. Emotional aptitude is a learned behavior. Your child’s optimism and growth mindset should be molded daily. (Coach’s Note: Please send the above insightful list to the parents of your athletes.)

All the great coaches I’ve met have a strong need for connecting and belonging. Positive communication is vital for a happy, longstanding career. Exceptional communication builds better relationships, mutual respect, and trust which leads to success. Superior coaching is the art of changing an athlete in a non-dictatorial way.

The student-coach connection improves with effective communication via verbal and nonverbal communication channels. The following chapters will uncover several excellent recommendations for coaches and parents to immerse themselves in the art of listening.

 

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”

Dalai Lama

Sharpening Healthier Communication- Part 1

Posted on July 23, 2019 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

 

Sharpening Healthier Communicationsoft science

 

It’s dinner time at the Klein’s house. Mr. Klein and his daughter Wendy spent the day at a USTA level 3 girls 16’s event. Wendy was seeded #4 in the tournament. Her 9:00 am match went terribly wrong. Wendy’s serve percentages were catastrophically low and as a result, she suffered an embarrassing first-round loss.

Later that night at the dinner table the conversation quickly escalated from small talk to another tennis-related screaming match. As they passed the potatoes, another family dinner was ruined.  Mr. Klein wished he had an instruction manual for these heated exchanges.

Psychologists researching communication offer a concept called the Four-Sides Model. The theory states that Mr. Klein’s initial comment “Honey, your serve was really off today.” exposed four possible ways Wendy could accept the data:

  • As an impersonal factual stat.
  • Insights about Mr. Klein’s feelings.
  • As a personal underlining insult towards Wendy.
  • As an appeal for improvement.

The message Mr. Klein was intentionally trying to convey isn’t necessarily what was perceived by Wendy. Mr. Klein’s statement “Honey, your serve was really off today.” led to a whirlwind of problems between him and his daughter. This, in turn, spiraled into the silent treatment from his wife because once again their family harmony was disrupted.

For Mr. Klein, the factual data and appeal for improvement were the only reason for the statement. Wendy’s interpretation of his statement was polar opposite. Wendy felt awful because she believed that she had let her parents and coaches down. She also concluded that her father’s statement about her serve implied that she was not working hard enough and that she was a failure.

 

“Communication is less about what is being said and more about how the words are decoded by the listener.”

 

As coaches and parents communicate with their athlete, the athlete’s personality profile acts as a filter as they decode the information. Some athletes are wired to accept and enjoy the analysis of cold hard facts while others are wired to overlook the facts and instead zone into the emotional climate of the conversations. Each athlete connects the dots and paints the picture they choose to hear. An individual’s personality profile determines how one communicates. (We will interpret personality profiles in greater detail in coming chapters.)

Is state of the art instruction about the instructor’s proficiency in performing drills, or is it about the instructor’s ability to connect with their student? Communicating above or below the digestion rate of the student is ineffective. While tennis knowledge and drilling efficiency are important, I believe a master teacher connects to the student and monitors the rate at which each student digests information. As we saw with Wendy and her father, the message received within the dialog is much more than the facts.

As I researched how to sharpen my communication skills, I realized that the way in which information is presented influences the outcome. I learned to focus on communicating honestly and with authenticity, but also to consider stressing or de-stressing the learning environment based on the energy in the room.

Developing Confidence and Self Esteem- Part 3

Posted on July 14, 2019 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

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Memories are Malleable

Over time, the mental images of an event shape one’s view of the situation and memories are created. We choose which “past movie” runs in our minds. With events like weddings, we forget the bad (Aunt Martha got up and sang “Feelings” with the band) and recall the good (Dad cried through the entire ceremony.)

In regards to athletic competition, we tend to do the polar opposite. We forget the good and magnify the bad. Frequently, over-zealous parents go to great lengths to document detailed laundry lists of their athlete’s match performance shortcomings and then proceed to review their findings with their athlete right after the match, which of course, disheartens the athlete. With persistent criticism, the athlete begins to build a subconscious, un-penetrable wall of memory recounting their failures. Confidence or lack thereof is malleable like our memory.

Reinforcing the behaviors you seek versus pointing out failures is in the athlete’s best interest. If your athletes can benefit from increased confidence, check out the following five solutions.

 

Starting a Brand New Memory System

  1. Ask the athlete to inventory their well-developed competitive tool belt.

These include life skills, positive character traits, morals, various game styles, primary strokes, secondary strokes, match day routines and rituals, mental skills, emotional skills, self-destruction skills, etc. These well-developed tools are convincing reasons to be confident.

  1. Ask the athlete to complete a success journal.

They do so by going online and reviewing their positive tournament match success stories from the past few years. Re-living scenarios where they overcame hardship, conquered gamesmanship, performed at their peak performance level, stayed on script for the duration of the match, improved their statistical numbers, handled poor conditions, beat that pusher, took out a top seed, or won a title. These past success stories are incredibly motivational as they provide the leverage the athlete needs to build their inner trust. These accomplishments are significant, influential memories to journal and re-live.

  1. After a solid performance, ask the athlete to write a congratulations letter to them self.

Have them list in detail all the success in the four main components- strokes, athleticism, mental and emotional. Such as their strong strokes, their outstanding athleticism, their rock-solid strategies, as well as their triumphant emotional state. Ask them to reread the letter before matches and after losses. There are enough people in the world that will tell them that they can’t do it. Athletes don’t need themselves promoting the negative.

  1. Ask the athlete to complete a “life” gratitude checklist.

It’s almost impossible to continually focus on negative issues such as disappointments, problems, stress, and fear while simultaneously highlighting successes, positive attributes, and opportunities. Examples range from getting to play tennis, traveling to tournaments, owning the latest clothes and gear, eating well, sleeping well, loving pets, great friends, loving family and of course, their supportive coaches.

  1. Ask the athlete to design a brand new customized developmental plan.

Belief follows quality persistent, repetitive practicing in the manner they’re expected to perform. This training methodology is very different than hitting another basket of balls. An individual’s belief only changes after their routines change. Studies show that the athlete’s actual biochemistry changes if and when the athlete is willing to change their approach. New habits should become the athlete’s new focal point.

 

Make time to assist the athlete in writing down their five newly adapted memory systems. Encourage the athlete to record the appropriate memories into their cellular phone’s digital recorder app and listen to their brand new memory system nightly to help reinforce their new improved confidence and self-esteem.

Destroying old bad habits, technical, mental or emotional, is not a one-time fix. Re-programming skills and thought processes demand repetition. Confidence and self-esteem are mastered through daily exercises. Changing their memory system leads to increased self-confidence, which leads to successful experiences, and these successful experiences lead to even greater confidence. It becomes a powerful upward spiral that every athlete, parent, or coach seeks.

 

Developing Confidence and Self Esteem- Part 2

Posted on July 13, 2019 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

soft science

The following is a list of open-ended questions that will assist in assessing the underlying confidence and self-esteem within your athlete.

  • Can peak performance coexist with having fun?
  • If you’re focusing exclusively on your shortcomings, how does it help? Could it hurt?
  • If you focused on solutions, how could that help?
  • What is confidence?
  • What does self-esteem have to do with your inner dialog?
  • Why does practice in the manner you’re expected to perform make sense?
  • What is needed to compete more confidently and comfortably?
  • Are you willing to be uncomfortable in practice in order to be comfortable in matches?
  • In competition, what is uncomfortable to you?
  • Are you ready to push past your walls and test your limits?
  • Where does mediocre training lead?
  • What poor, unproductive choices can you turn down?
  • Gamesmanship requires confrontation. How are you prepared to conquer your inner demons and then fight for your rights?
  • How do you accept feeling fearful but focus and stay on script anyway?
  • Why does healthy self-confidence lead to successful experiences?
  • How do successful experiences lead to increased confidence?

 

Developing Confidence and Self Esteem- Part 1

Posted on July 9, 2019 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazonsoft science

 

Bill is a 6 foot lanky 14-year-old who is top 15 in Southern California. Tennis has come very easy to Bill. He is naturally athletic and much taller than his peers. Bill and his folks are convinced he’s on track to becoming an ATP Professional. He attends a local Tennis Academy, where he hits for 4 hours a day on the practice court, playing “catch” back and forth. He is also one of the best juniors at the academy.

Bill’s fundamental strokes are dynamite. He walks on-court cocky, smiling, and confident. During tournaments, however, when matches flip 180 degrees to a game of “keep away” Bill misses a few shots, begins to panic and turns into a completely different person. His verbal outbursts are self-belittling, and his body language and facial expressions are borderline crazy as tear roll down his cheeks.

After reviewing with Bill one of his so-called catastrophic losses, I asked him, “What are your thoughts about your performance?” Bill stated, “I played awful! I am so confused because I beat everyone in practice games, but in real tournament matches, if I miss an easy shot, I freak out and lose all belief. Man, I have no confidence in tough matches. Sometimes I get so upset that I can’t even find my strings and I turn into shank-zilla.  What is wrong with me?”

 

If strokes and athleticism are the muscles and bones of the athlete, confidence and self-esteem are the heart and soul. Let’s go back in time and review the origins of the words: confidence and esteem.

In Latin, the word confidence means to trust. Self-confidence refers to the athlete’s inner-emotional ability. It’s their opinion of their aptitude to engage and compete successfully. A self-confident person is eager to take on challenges and seeks new opportunities.

In Latin, the word esteem means to appraise. Self-esteem refers to the athlete’s inner emotional view of their self-worth. Athletes with high self-esteem feel secure, confident, and worthwhile.

Nurtured self-confidence and self-esteem typically precede any real athletic accomplishments. Without these soft science skills, athletes often hold themselves back by inaction due to fear and uncertainties. The majorities of athletes do not include emotional training in their tennis development and are not nurtured how to believe in themselves. As a result, emotionally weak competitors often view competition as a high-risk activity instead of an opportunity.

Some players have tremendous athletic skills but don’t trust their abilities.

Performing at one’s peak potential in practice is easy because the athletes are not keeping real score so they are aren’t being judged. In tournament competition, judgment is inherent. Once the umpire calls out “LETS PLAY,” mental and emotional fear-based interferences come into view.

Do you ever wonder why some athletes stand up and fight at crunch time, routinely seizing the moment, while others wilt due to self-doubt and lack of courage? The difference lies in their inner belief, confidence, self-trust, and self-esteem.

 

 

Rethinking Stress- Part 4

Posted on October 12, 2018 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

Soft Science of Tennis_3D_Cover_version5

 

The Antidote for Emotional Sustainability

Remaining in the right frame of mind throughout an athlete’s journey is emotional persistence. Most often, future behavior is driven by emotional reasons. This is why reminding yourself daily of the positive motivational forces is so important. Take 10 minutes each day to focus on gratitude. Simply being thankful for your environment, your possessions, your friends, family, and coaches helps keep your athletic achievements in a healthy perspective.

 

Gratitude is a quick 10 minute cleansing of the soul.

 

Studies show that meditating for 10 minutes daily with the focus on your blessings helps ward off stress and feelings of being overwhelmed. I’ve read many experts in the field of psychology encouraging us to rethink meditation. Let go of the old school image of a Tibetan monk wrapped in a red robe sitting on a mountain and replace it with a new definition, which is the thought of a daily mental, emotional cleansing.

Rethinking Stress- Part 3

Posted on October 9, 2018 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

Soft Science of Tennis_3D_Cover_version5

 

How to Perform Better In High-Pressure Situations

Extraordinary athletes have all found a way to perform in high-pressure environments. One re-occurring theme in this book is that the cleanest fundamentals (in practice) are of zero value if the athlete can’t access them when they need them the most.

The solution to dealing with the high pressure of competition is to begin to re-label pressure situations. Instead of calling it a stressful time, say, “Here we go, it’s a challenging time!” Flipping a negative mental approach into a challenging positive approach provides the athlete with an attainable goal.  By making a conscious effort to replace the focus on what you DON’T want to happen (don’t choke, don’t overthink, don’t miss, and don’t lose) with positive imagery of what you Do want to happen, you will be pre-setting success.

To illustrate how your thoughts control your actions, try this old-school psychological exercise: Repeat to yourself 10 times: “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,” “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,” “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,” “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,”  “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,” “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,” “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,” “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,” “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza,” “I don’t want piping hot cheesy pizza.” After the tenth time. Close your eyes. What subconsciously enters your brain? PIZZA!

 

Often the more you try to suppress a thought, the more you strengthen it.

 

By thinking about negative thoughts before performing, we are “willing” negative results. Studies reveal that if we replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, our brain will over-ride the negative beliefs. Going into competition without positive mental imagery, such as top pattern play, allows the mind to wander. So to perform better in high-pressure situations, it is imperative for an athlete to trust their training and to fill their thoughts with positive pattern play.

Remember, stress is inherent in athletic competition. But it’s how you choose to let it control your performance that typically separates the extraordinary athletes from the rest of the field.

 

Rethinking Stress- Part 2

Posted on October 6, 2018 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

Soft Science of Tennis_3D_Cover_version5

Basic Stress Management Strategies

  • Apply physical activity to burn off excess stress hormones- go for a short run before checking in to the event.
  • Apply relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, yoga or meditation.
  • Flip the negative frame of mind with a more positive frame of mind.
  • Set aside time for non-competitive hobbies, such as playing a musical instrument or reading a motivational book.
  • Get plenty of sleep and eat a healthy, balanced diet.
  • Understand that viewing stress as a positive builds confidence.

Rethinking Stress – Part 1

Posted on October 4, 2018 by in The Soft Science of Tennis

The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon

 

Rethinking StressSoft Science of Tennis_3D_Cover_version5

A very common view within the athletic community is that stress is the enemy in competition- the more stress felt, the worse the performance. Essentially believing that nothing good comes from stress.  But this belief couldn’t be further from the truth. Stress is actually very beneficial to the competitive athlete. Athletes who accept that stress is part of competition, are actually healthier competitors and much more likely to succeed.  How one views competition, ultimately determines the effects that stress has on their performance. In fact, on the playing fields, chasing excellence is better for your well-being than trying to avoid the stress (pain) of competition.

Let’s join up with Evan and Jarrod one last time. This time to discuss their take on the stress of competition.

 

Question: How does stress in competition effect performance?

Evan: When I feel stressed, my heart beats faster, raising my adrenaline levels and pumping more oxygen throughout my body.  I see stress as a plus- preparing me for the battle. Stress tells me it’s “GO TIME” and I focus better. Without the stress, there wouldn’t be extra hormones running through my body giving me an extra boost.

Jarrod: In the past, when I’m freaking out … My stomach hurt and I became irritable, overwhelmed and angry. All I would think about is the outcome and I panicked and choked.  I guess I chose to go that route. I used to be an
idiot …

Frank’s Tip: Stress isn’t the culprit. It’s how individuals choose to view the stress. If you’re a bit like Jarrod, it is time to apply stress management solutions to help you flip your attitude and learn to use stress to improve your performance.

 

Final thoughts on Evan and Jarrod: I had a feeling that Evan would help provide young athletes with an optimistic, solution based voice coming from their peer group. Honestly, I was very worried about Jarrod in the beginning of this process. I speculated wrongly that his narcissistic views couldn’t be swayed. As we dug deeper into the benefits of emotional aptitude, Jarrod slowly but surely changed his rigid stance and began to accept this developmental process. I couldn’t be more pleased that Jarrod is now on board.