The following post is an excerpt from Emotional Aptitude In Sports NOW available through most online retailers! Click Here to Order
The Emotional Science of Handling Adversity
On Any Given Weekend
Friday night, as a favor to a friend, I met with a family to discuss their daughter’s NCAA golf experience. I listened politely as these very frustrated and mystified parents spoke about their daughter’s lack of play time. “Karen’s the best athlete on the squad, yet she’s riding the bench for the second straight year. Why won’t the coach play her? We’re paying over $50 grand a year for her to play and incoming freshman are playing ahead of her!”
I asked Karen about her preparation. Specifically her pre-season summer training regimen. Sadly, her developmental plan resembled that of a part-time hobbyist and not an elite college athlete. Most college level athletes are spending the summer playing tournaments and putting in about 20 hours a week of deliberate, customized training, Karen clocked in a whopping ZERO tournaments and 3-4 hours a week on the driving range over the entire summer. When I ask her why she didn’t feel she needed to train over the summer, she responded, “I’m better than my teammates already… I can out drive all of them…why bother?”
On closer inspection, Karen and her parents believe Karen’s superior fundamentals should place her in the starting lineup. But fundamentals are only part of the equation. Fast forward to the start of the golf season and Karen is missing routine 4-foot putts, her wedges are erratic, she can’t hit off a moderate 10-degree slope or out of the sand effectively. To make matters worse, her frustration tolerance is next to zero, so every round she finds a convenient excuse for her poor competitive performances and systematically implodes. Her toxic match day behavior is a result of a poor developmental plan resulting in emotional mayhem. This negative combination is pushing her college coaches to simply wash their hands of her and quietly hope she quits. Unfortunately, neither Karen nor her parents were aware of the importance of developing emotional aptitude in addition to her solid fundamental development.
Come Saturday morning, I found myself at a client’s little league baseball game. Mikey is a talented ball player. He’s a strong hitter with a .400 batting average. He’s also a fluid pitcher with a cannonball like fastball, a wicked curveball, and a lethal slider. Unfortunately, for the third time this season, Mikey got tossed out of the game by the fifth inning. You see Mikey, at age 12, confronts both adult authority figures and teammates, curses at them and telling them they’re clueless. All Mikey hears is how he’s light years ahead of everyone and his dad routinely belittles anyone that says otherwise, including the umpires! Mikey could be a high school baseball superstar and even enjoy an NCAA career if only he was taught how to handle adversity and emotional aptitude.
Sunday rolls around, and I’m at the girls 18’s Southern California sectional tennis tournament. On Court #1 Sammy is so fearful of confrontation that she played 12 out balls losing a close battle 4-5, 6-7. It’s not that Sammy needs glasses. Sammy’s emotional issue is that she’s scared of confrontation. She wants everyone to like her and so she gifted away the match.
Court #2 was another tightly contested match. Kayla was up in each set 5-2 and on both occasions traded in her offensive “playing to win” style and attitude for a super careful “playing not to lose-just don’t blow it” style of play. Sadly, Kayla lost another close winnable match 5-7, 5-7. Kayla’s emotional issue is that she doesn’t trust herself. Her lack of confidence and self-belief caused her to abandon her beautiful winning style if play – just when she needs it the most.
Court # 3 wasn’t much different. Michelle is probably the most physically talented gals in this top tier event. She possesses every tool in a world-class tennis player’s tool belt. Unfortunately for Michelle, she also has a toxic condition called perfectionism. By performing absolutely excellent, Michelle earns a comfortable 4-1 lead. Michelle spots her opponent’s vulnerable court position and defensive strike zone and bolts forward for a routine swing volley. Unfortunately, her shot catches the net tape as she loses a winnable point. Michelle proceeds to slam her racket to the cement and let out a blood-curdling scream “AAHHH … I SUCK!!!… WHY??” After dropping this singular point, Michelle is crushed because, in her mind, she has now blown a perfect day and only perfection is acceptable. Now Michelle is in full meltdown mode and drops the next 3 games in under 9 minutes. The match was completely in her control but because of her false belief system, she not only gifted her opponent back into the match, but she also rekindled the opponent’s self-belief. Thanks to Michelle’s emotional flaw, instead of a routine 6-2 win, she was battling a 4-4 dogfight.
The key for these solid athletes is to understand that it’s not their athleticism that’s letting them down. It’s their lack of emotional aptitude. Emotional aptitude is the learned behavior that athletes need to nurture in hopes of overcoming the onslaught of hardships that come along with the glory of greatness. Solid athletes seeking to maximize potential need to design coping skills customized to their own personal inner demons.
