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ZONE
LESSON: Parental Fear, Stress and Overthinking
Courtney is a future star and USA nationally ranked gymnast. She lives in Bend, Oregon and is homeschooled so she can focus on her training. Courtney performs in the zone and religiously nails her routine in practice but seems to falter in actual competition.
Her mom, Kelly, called me and wanted to discuss this disconnect. “How can my daughter be so talented and never win? We do this full time. I leave no stone unturned. Courtney knows the importance of national events. Winning the nationals is her ticket to the Olympics but she always finds a way to choke. What’s wrong with her?”
We set up a Skype session and began to uncover why Courtney was having difficulties in competition. I asked Courtney why she felt that she was not getting the results she was capable of achieving. Quickly, Kelly interrupted, “Her head gets in the way; she’s so worried all the time.”
I then ask Courtney another conversation opener, “Courtney, performing at your peak potential requires you to begin with your pre-routine relaxation rituals. Can you tell me about yours?” Once again, Kelly jumps into the conversation, “I talk to Courtney to pump her up before each event. She acts like she doesn’t want to hear it.”
I was beginning to see the stressor that was blocking young Courtney’s ability to perform in a relaxed, positive, confident state of mind. Just to be sure, I ask Courtney one more question, “Courtney, have you ever heard of this statement: Focus on controlling the controllables and let go of the uncontrollables?” Once again, Kelly interrupts and adds, “Honey, he means your routine.”
Within the first few minutes of our hour-long Skype session, their story was already unfolding. Kids aren’t born with fear and stress. These are learned behaviors. Kelly is both the reason Courtney is a gymnast and the stressor that is preventing Courtney from performing at her peak performance.
I then told Courtney that I would share a very similar situation I had with another gymnast from California. But first I had two questions for Courtney about an athlete’s ability to only focus on the exact protocols needed to perform at their peak- controlling the controllables. (Controllables are the thoughts, attitudes, and feelings that pull you closer to your goal of an excellent routine. Uncontrollables are the thoughts that pull you away from focusing solely on your performance routine.)
I asked if Courtney could name a few controllables? Surprisingly, Kelly allowed Courtney to answer and she did brilliantly, “It’s, like, my cadence, my breathing, my landings?”
“You nailed it!” I said, Then I asked, “Can you name any uncontrollable thoughts that shouldn’t be in your head during competition?”
Courtney replied, “Hum…. I guess … choking?… and…winning the whole event.”
“You are correct sister!” I enthusiastically responded.
I followed up with telling her about my familiar story:
A few years ago, I worked with a gal from California with almost the identical difficulties in regards to competing. She and her mom viewed each event as a loss if she didn’t win the whole thing. We talked about flipping her goal from always having to win the event to simply perform an excellent routine. Her best overall score in a national event was 8.6.
So in her next event, the Winter Nationals, she scored an overall 9.4 – exceeding her best score ever! Then an hour later, a competitor nailed her Double Twisting Double Layout and scored an overall 9.5 to take the title.
I then asked Courtney, “Did my gal control her controllables and perform better than she’s ever performed in a national?”
“Yes, she exceeded her best score ever, right?” asked Courtney.
“Absolutely, she performed better than ever. She achieved her goal of improving her performance- a very important goal for a competitor your age. Could she control her opponent’s performance?”
“No.” Courtney said, “That’s an uncontrollable, right?” “Right”
For the rest of the Skype session, I chatted with Kelly about her parental role of de-stressing Courtney prior to competition rather than adding stress. We talked about the ability to nurture letting go of the outcome and focus on the performance. Courtney’s issues were really manifested by Kelly’s worries, stress, and fear. Kelly promised to pay attention to her own attitudes and thoughts and try to enjoy the journey instead of agonizing over Courtney’s gymnastics.
Parents, if your focus and stress are all about the outcome, how is it possible to expect your child to focus on their performance. After all, isn’t that what matters most? Performing in the zone requires trusting your skills and letting go of the uncontrollables.
