The following post is an excerpt from Frank’s newest book, The Soft Science of Tennis. Click Here to Order through Amazon
Effective Listening
“We are taught how to read & write efficiently but not to speak and listen effectively.”
The genesis of The Soft Science of Tennis for any parent or coach is to learn to be an effective listener. Effective listening is the ability to quietly give one’s undivided attention which creates a more profound bond. Excellent communication between the athlete, coach, and parent is more than the typical dominating disciplinarian versus submissive student. Being listened to and understood is one of an athlete’s greatest desires.
The method in which a parent or coach asks questions and listens is also important. If the athlete views the questions as an intimidating interrogation, they feel frightened and pressured. There is indeed an optimistic demeanor that encompasses effective listening.
Effective Listening Begins with:
- Get down, physically, to the student’s level.
- Take off your sunglasses and look them in the eyes.
- Give them your time. Listen intently.
- Assume you can learn from the student.
- Accept their view (set aside your beliefs).
- Allow them to lead, go with their flow.
- If you don’t know the answer, say, “Let’s explore that…”
- Understanding that talking “at” someone isn’t power. Listening is power.
- Avoid speculating and jumping to conclusions.
- Maintain their conversational pace and fight the urge to interrupt.
- Allow them to finish their thoughts and sentences.
- Focus on spotting key objectives and phrases to discuss later.
- If you’re planning witty responses, you’re typically not actively listening.
- Remember, some athletes aren’t seeking advice; they are seeking an empathetic ear.
- After discussing the issue, ask them for their solutions before offering your solutions.
- Ask them if they’d like to hear your thoughts.
- Avoid one-upmanship statements to prove that your past experience trumps theirs.
- Avoid saying, “I told you so!” Even when you told them so.
- Facilitate your relationship by applying empathy.
- Mirror their feelings within the context of their conversation.
- Follow their train of thought with nodding, caring facial expressions and body language.
- Re-state their points to clarify that you understand them correctly.
- Affirm their frustrations. “That sounds difficult, how did you respond?”
- To keep the focus on them, ask, “How did that make you feel? Versus “Here’s what I would have done!”
- Conclude with a summarizing statement to ensure that their information was received correctly.
- Organize future, agreed-upon solutions and job descriptions.
Those of us who fail to abide by the above guidelines send damaging subconscious “red flags” to the athlete in regards to the student-teacher relationship. Parents and coaches who are poor listeners send the following messages to their athletes:
- Your opinions and views aren’t as important as mine.
- Your feelings are ridiculous and stupid.
- I’ll explain your position more accurately than you.
- Listening to you is a waste of my precious time.
- I’m superior, stop talking and I’ll prove it once again to you.
- There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t heard a million times.
Being a thoughtful teacher and communicator begins by being an empathetic listener. Great listeners change the student’s perspective from a problem being a catastrophic event to an issue that is a solvable opportunity for growth.
