The Psychology of Tennis Parenting
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Always & Never
“Always” and “Never” statements are frequently used by parents to emphasize their points of view. While using “you always” and “you never” as opening statements, they convey emotional intent, but they also tell a lie. While parents know the “always and never” phrases aren’t meant to be literal, their youngsters may not see it that way. The exaggerations open a floodgate of negative emotions among young athletes. I recommend exchanging “always and never” for statements easier for your young athlete to digest.
Solution: If you must share your insight, start your review with “This is just an observation… not a condemnation. I want to share what I thought I observed, and you tell me if I’m off base or not. Ok, by you? Or, “Here is something to consider ….”
Avoid using the “always or never” opening assertions to prove your point. In the coaching world, as in life, there are exceptions that shadow every rule, and a defensive athlete will try and find the exception to prove their point. These inaccurate statements typically ruin the true message of what you are conveying. Arguments ensue as your youngster tries to prove you wrong, or worse, they shut down.
Replace the “always and never” statements with questions to open a dialog. Your athlete will then be motivated to apply their own solution-based problem-solving.
Correct Conversations
Parents want to help and should be a part of their athlete’s team. That is, if they are not creating pressure. Do you know if you are unintentionally adding stress? Conversations should be based on the performance needed, not the outcome.
It’s the parental role to create accountable young adults- a common theme throughout this book. Your young athletes are best served by attempting to solve their own problems. We want to nurture them to apply solution-based dialog to increase confidence and resiliency. Please keep in mind that parents and coaches are often “planting seeds.” These mental and emotional skills often need years to develop.
Here are some match day correct conversations for your “Weekend Coaches.”
Solution:
- Warm Up Correctly. Come tournament day; your player should be mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for peak performance. The match day starts with a well-planned physical warm-up session. This includes warming up general athleticism and their tool belt of strokes. I also recommend warming up hitting offense, neutral, and defensive situations on the move. After nutrition and pre-hydration needs are met, mental and emotional visualization of preset plays and protocols are warmed up before they step into the club.
- Gifting Away Matches. A great question: Am I losing, or is the opponent beating me? If your athlete makes things easy for their opponent through unforced errors, they are losing. If their opponent is outplaying them, they’re getting beat, and there’s a big difference. Often winning in junior tennis is error reduction. It’s your athlete’s job never to become the most valuable player for the other team!
- Today’s Elements. Explain why they should adapt to the elements. Smart players avoid complaining about the court, the sun, the wind, the ball, or other elements they cannot control.
Here is a typical conversation regarding the elements. Your junior is in a clay court tennis event, and it just rained. Discuss how the clay court is going to play very differently. The ball is going to be heavier. They may want to adapt by using the lowest tension racket in their bag. They adjust their game accordingly by simply viewing the conditions as part of the game that day. Ask your athlete before matches to identify possible element issues and to be prepared to plug in the correct solutions.
- Paying Attention. Ask your mature athletes to pay attention to the opponent’s tendencies by spotting their top patterns – opponent situational awareness. Mentally tough competitors are allowed to be surprised by an opponent’s shot option once or twice, but after a few times, the shot is their tendency and not a “surprise” but a lack of match awareness. For example: If the opponent is killing them with a drop shot to lob pattern, and your athlete doesn’t know to drop shot a drop shot, then how to combat common patterns should be in your athlete’s coach’s future developmental plan. Ask your athlete to spot key serving patterns, returning patterns, rally patterns, and favorite short ball options. Just as it takes years to develop strokes, it takes years to be a mentally tough competitor.
- Self-Coaching. Discuss how to adjust to mistakes with proactive solution-based dialog. If they complain “out loud” about the problem, ask them to “flip it” and talk about their solution. Be careful about your “weekend coaching.” Athletes who broadcast their issues during play are usually parroting a parent or coach that begins every sentence with “The problem is …” An athlete’s self-coaching is often a mirror of the parent’s and coach’s past dialog.
- Change. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing but expecting a different result. Discuss how and when to change a losing strategy. Here are two very different changes. Knowing when to activate each one will help win matches. If your athlete is running great patterns, controlling the court but not executing the last shot, I recommend sticking with the strategic plan but applying better margins. If they are playing well but still find themselves on the losing end, it is time for a different strategy- their second contingency game plan. At least two styles of well-rehearsed game plans (Plan A and B) should be available for each match.
- Letting Go of the Outcome. Ask them to focus on winning the performance battle, and the outcome will take care of itself. This principle focal point is essential for parents as well. Let go of USTA rankings, UTR rating numbers, and tournament seedlings. The consistent chatter about who’s ranked where pulls your athlete into the outcome frame of mind, sabotaging the quiet performance-based goals you seek.
